I can't help you, and I'm sorry

I can't help you, and I'm sorry... Your baby was stillborn this weekend. I don't really know you, but your baby would have been my niece. I'm supposed to talk to you, to help you through this. I should be able to, after all I've lost a child. I've survived. Shouldn't I have some words of wisdom to get you through this? I can't help you, I'm sorry. Yes, I survived, but sometimes surviving is all I am capable of doing. How can I help you through this when I'm not through this yet?

Our roads are different, neither is better or worse than the other. I knew my baby would die months before she was ever born, you expected to bring home a baby. I imagine you planned for that; that you have a crib set up, clothes in a dresser, toys, bottles, and all the little things a baby might need. Did you have a baby shower? Did your friends bring you gifts? I imagine they did, or planned to. Now it is on you or someone who loves you to deal with all that. Will you get rid of everything? Or will you save it in anticipation of another baby down the road? I will never have another baby, but in my bottom drawer, baby girl clothes and blankets sit waiting for me to figure out what to do... It's been over six years, I still haven't figured out what to do.

You never held your baby while she cried, or looked into her eyes, you didn't hold her as she breathed her last breath. Your baby was gone before she was really even here.... Which is better? I don't think there's an answer to that.

You will hear so many things in the coming days, months, years.... "Time heals all wounds." It doesn't, Someday you will feel okay, but then a song will come on the radio, or you'll see a woman with a newborn or something, anything, and you will feel like it all just happened and the wound is fresh and open once again.   "God never gives you more than you can handle" The only people who say this are people who have never dealt with anything bad, they are idiots, ignore them. "You can have more children" No one ever actually said this to me, who knew me, I can't have more children, but they would say "Well at least you have your son." Yes because that totally makes up for losing my baby.

I can't help you, I'm sorry. I can't help you because I can't help myself. Grief is journey you must take alone. Other people will walk the path with you for a while, but in time they will start to wonder why you are still on the path, why you aren't done yet, better yet. No one will understand. They will feel bad for you, and you will feel bad for you.

The only thing I can say is that life moves forward. Someday, sooner than you expect, you will get to the end of the day and realize that you haven't cried, that you haven't even thought of her. And you will be mad at yourself, you will feel like you betrayed her. Don't be mad, don't feel like that, because life is for the living and no matter what it keeps moving and all we can do is keep surviving.

What is a Boy?

I found this posted on another site and it absolutely made me think of my son.

 What is a Boy?

    Between the innocence of babyhood and the dignity of manhood, we find a delightful creature called a boy. Boys come in assorted sizes, weights and colors, but all boys have the same creed: to enjoy every second of every minute of every hour of every day and to protest with noise (their only weapon) when their last minute is finished and the adult males pack them off to bed at night. Boys are found everywhere---on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls ignore them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them, and Heaven protects them.
    A boy is Truth with dirt on his face. Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.
    When you are busy a boy is an inconsiderate, bothersome, intruding jangle of noise. When you want him to make an impression, his brain turns to jelly or else he becomes a savage, sadistic, jungle creature bent on destroying the world and himself with it.
      A boy is a composite---he has the appetite of a horse, the digestion of a sword swallower, the energy of a pocket-size atomic bomb, the curiosity of a cat, the lungs of a dictator, the imagination of a Paul Bunyan, the shyness of a violet, the audacity of a steel trap, the enthusiasm of a fire cracker, and when he makes something he has five thumbs on each hand.
      He likes ice cream, knives, saws, Christmas, comic books, the boy across the street, woods, water (in its natural habitat), large animals, Dads, trains, Saturday mornings and fire engines.
     He is not much for Sunday school, company, school, books without pictures, music lessons, neckties, barbers, girls, overcoats, adults, or bedtime.
      No one else is so early to rise or so late to supper. Nobody else gets so much fun out of trees, dogs and breezes. Nobody else can cram in one pocket-a rusty knife, a half eaten apple, three feet of string, an empty Bull Durham sack, two gum drops, six cents, a sling shot, a chunk of unknown substance and a genuine supersonic ring with a secret compartment.
      A boy is a magical creature---you can lock him out of your kitchen, but you can't lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but not out of your mind. Might as well give up---he is your captor, your jailer, your boss and your master. A freckled-faced, pint-sized, cat-chasing bundle of noise. When you come home at night with only the shattered pieces of your hopes and dreams---he can mend them all like new with the two magic words----Hi MOM

The Angry Blog

Its been a long time since I've blogged... Life has moved forward... time has moved on... and the world is still spinning. There is one thing I cannot move on from though. I'm angry, I'm so angry. I'm Angry that I feel like I'm the only person who cares that Anna died. No one talks about her, they want me to forget about her, when she died they told me to forget about her, to move on with my life. At the time I thought it was for the best. I know they were wrong though. I should have talked about her. I feel like I was cheated, I feel like she was cheated, I feel like I cheated her. She deserves better than this... So from now on I don't care if it makes people uncomfortable, I don't care that you don't know what to say... Its not my job to protect all of you all and your feelings.. My daughter died... I have a right to say that I have a daughter and I believe that she is in Heaven now. I have a daughter and she died. I have a daughter and I love her.

Why It Works

Chris is my boyfriend :D I love him and I know he loves me, but like every couple we have our disagreements. Unlike a lot of other couples, however, our disagreements never become full fledged fights. I hadn't really thought about why until the other day at work.
I was looking at a poster, in a kindergarten classroom. It was about playing fair and it listed a few rules. I found that with the exception of one rule, Chris and I were following these children's rules for getting along when we disagree. I also thought that if other couples could try them out maybe their arguments would be more productive and less destructive.

Rules:


1. Don't use unkind words ~ In grown-up terms.... Don't swear

2. Be willing to discuss the problem ~ Seriously how can you solve a problem if you don't talk about it?

3. Be willing to listen to each other ~ If you aren't listening a simple misunderstanding can tear apart a relationship.

4. Be willing to walk away to calm down ~ This is actually the one I have trouble following... I prefer to solve the problem right then and there, but I do understand that sometimes people are too angry to talk right then, and maybe it's best to back off and talk later.

5. Be ready to make a plan together ~ This is the hard part for a lot of people... Compromise. Talk about what you both want and then figure out a way to make it work. It's not about winning, it's about coming up with something that works for both people.

6. Be willing to apologize ~ Again, it's not about winning or losing. I wonder how many relationships end simply because one member isn't willing to admit that they were wrong.

7. Be able to control your anger ~ Yelling, swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, threats, violence.... none of that is going to solve the problem.

8. Be ready to compromise and meet in the middle ~ This goes back to number 5... which tells me that it's probably the most important and should be self explanatory.

Now I don't claim to know anything about relationships... Actually this is the first relationship I've been in that has a real chance of succeeding. But we love each other, and I think that we can make it with a lot of love, respect, and understanding.

a New Year

It's been a while since I wrote. With the new year things got better, which is kinda funny since my father said he was sure they would this year.
I love my job.m I'm now working in a kindergarten classroom and it's great. I feel really appreciated.
Alex is doing well. He's mouthy, creative, bad mannered, artistic, intelligent and constantly gets in trouble in his pre-k class... all in all he's a normal five year-old boy.
I have a boyfriend!!! Yay!! We've known each other for almost a year, but in the last few months things have started to get serious, and I really love him. He's my best friends too.

So things are better. I still think about Anna constantly. I struggle with what happened. The decisions I made, the pain I feel. Nothing will ever change all of that, but slowly, very slowly, I am learning to live my life.... And it is good.

Christmas

As I was driving to work this morning I was contemplating the meaning of Christmas and I realized that more than once, God has sent a child to teach a lesson.
He once sent his own son to teach the world about love and in a less grand, but no less profound way, he sent me a child to teach me about love.

Kids

My son is almost 5. At his recent well-child check-up his pediatrician told me I should make sure he doesn't gain anymore weight "until he grows into his current weight" he's 42 inches tall and weighs 43 pounds. But two days later, his preschool teacher tells me she's concerned because he is so thin you can see his ribs. I think we have become a society so concerned with numbers and statistics that we are not even looking at the individual child. If your child is outside for an hour or more a day and practically crys when it is time to go inside, then he can probably have that slice of pizza or a brownie. If your child looks at going outside as a punishment then maybe skip that extra snack. If parents took responsibility and monitored their child's habits, not just their eating habits, but their playing habits too, then we wouldn't have this problem... and btw the motion sensing video game is not a substitute for going outside and playing tag, or really learning to dance.

But I suppose the real problem is that for a young child to go outside and play, the parent would have to get up and go with them... and aren't we all so busy? Im not, yes I froze my butt off today taking myson outside in the snow, but he's worth it. He's worth not turning on the computer till after the sun goes down, and not watching tv, not talking on the phone. My child is worth getting up and playing with, and yours should be too.