It's hard

Today it hit me that Anna's second birthday is in three days... I can't belive it's been two years since my little angel came and went so quickly. I called my father, I don't know what I was hoping for, but when I reminded him of the upcoming date, I felt as if he was brushing me off, I know he doesn't mean to, I guess he just doesn't do emotional stuff, or he really was busy with work. I know my father loves me, I guess it's just hard for him. My sister didn't do any better, I guess we just aren't that type of family.
I've cried a couple times today. I just remember her looking up at me, and then her eyes closed and she kinda sighed and then I knew she was gone. I didn't need a doctor to tell me, I felt my heart break in that moment, a part of my heart had left this earth.
I can't stop crying, I need to pull it together, for my own sake, and for Alex's sake. This can't be healthy, but I feel as if I am not quite done greiving.

Sick!!!

Sooo... I have been sick for a while, but I always think it will go away on it's own. A couple tylenol, and some rest and I'll be all better. This time It really didn't work out that way. My right side was hurting so badly it was worse than labor, my left side hurt, but not that much. This went on for days. I was downing OTC painkillers like they were candy just to get through the day. I went to work on monday. On tuesday I just couldn't get out of bed so I stayed home to sleep. On wednesday I went to work, I took my temperature in the morning, it was 99.5.... high, but not horrible. I arrived at work at 7:15, by 9:00 I couldn't handle the pain, I went to my car with a can of green tea, I took my temperature 101.8... not good, drank some tea... that stayed in my stomach all of 10.5 seconds. I walked to the school office and said I was gonna leave for the day to see a doctor. I went to the emergency room, and well basically after countless tests and scans they determined that I have the mother of all kidney infections on my right side, and a cyst on my left ovary that is so large they cant see the ovary anymore... So here I am laying on my couch a couple days later... the vicodin is making me drowsy, I hope I look better now than I did in the hospital though, A friend told me I looked like a washed cat, tossed out in the snow. I would have laughed if it didn't hurt so much.