Dad

Dad,
I heard this song today, I think it's called "a father's love" by Bucky Covington. It made me think of you.

"He checked the air in my tires
The belts and all the spark plug wires
Said when the hell's the last time you had this oil changed
And as I pulled out the drive he said be sure and call your mom sometime
And I didn't hear it then but I hear it now
He was saying I love you the only way he knew how"

I know you love me, just like I also know you don't really understand me. I love you to. Half the time I don't understand myself. I know you do the best you can. You've done better than most fathers would have. I know it's been hard since mom died, but you've been there, and you haven't given up on me.

I'm really trying to get through all the turmoil in my life, but it's hard. I never expected to be in this position in life. I never expected for life to hurt this bad.

So dad, I just wanted you, and everyone else, to know that you're important and special, and I love you.

Always,
Denise

Dear Alex...

Dear Alex,

As "...the years go flying by
I hope you smile
If i ever cross your mind
It was a pleasure of my life
And i cherished every time
And my whole world
It begins and ends with you"

You are my son, my world. I don't know where I would be without you. You make me smile when I am sad, laugh when I am mad.

I know I am not the best mother in the world. I could have done better. I am sorry that I can't give you everything you need, especially a father. Just know that I love you more than anything. Without you my world would stop

I love you baby, I'll try to do better.

Love always,

Mommy

Life isn't fair

As yet another family tragedy occurs;a family member lost a child late in pregnancy. I lay here in my bed and contemplate how unfair life, an death are.

As I've said before, I don't think my life is any worse than anyone elses, but sometimes it sure feels that way. I have friends who's biggest tragedy for the day is getting into a fight with their mom, I can't even do that, my mom's dead. Some of my friends complain about how much trouble their children get into. I have my son and although he get's into trouble, I thank God everyday for giving him to me and remember the daughter that I wanted so badly and how much it hurt to hold her in my arms as she breathed her last breath. My little sister recently had a baby I know she wanted, with a man I know she loved. In a tragic twist, he died before his only child was ever born.
Tragedy seems to follow my family. As soon as things are going well, everything gets dark again. I used to be a religious girl, as a woman I'm afraid I have given up on God more and more as everything I ever wanted has been snatched away from me. That's not to say I don't believe in God, it's to say I don't understand why things are the way they are... and maybe I never will.
My mother always said life wasn't fair... I now know how right she was.

Me

It's hard to look at yourself from the point of view of other people, but lately I've been trying to do just that. I have found that maybe I'm too controlling, very negative and just a great big downer to be around. I've spent so much time only being able to see the bad in my life that I have missed out on all the good. I've driven away people who loved me because I was too self absorbed.
It's been six years since my mother died and nearly 2 years since my daughter died, maybe it's time to let myself find happiness...maybe

I wanna help

Some days I think that I want to help women like myself. I think I would make a great motivational speaker, but then again how can I help people move on in life when I have barely moved on.

There is the part of me that wants to move on with my life. Enjoy life. Enjoy Alex. Get married, have a family. Then there's the part of me that feels it would be a betrayal to move forward. Does moving forward mean I leave my Anna behind? I'm sure it doesn't have to, but I can't see a way forward without leaving the past behind, and I definitely can't bring myself to do that.

Today

Everyday I fight a battle, most days I feel like I'm losing it. Forming relationships is difficult for me. I find it hard to make and keep friends. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think I lost my best friend today. It was already a bad day for me, I was angry, I miss my daughter, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on. I got mad at her because she wasn't being that for me. I picked a fight. I know it was my fault. She left and she probably wont come back.

My sadness has caused me to destroy relationships... I don't know how to fix this.

Quotes

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976,

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act in human existence is the separation of a woman from her newborn infant. The response to this, which humans share with most of the animal kingdom, is an overwhelming combination of panic, rage, and distress. - RUSKIN, IN HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994,16

Alex

Alex is my son. Currently he is four years old. He asked me about his sister today. How do you explain death to a child?
Alex knows that people die. He knows that my mother died in a car accident "cuz she wasn't wearing her seat belt" he knows that his sister died. He knows she was sick. He knows she was in the hospital. Sometimes he asks why the doctors didn't make her better. Why we didn't give her medicine. We give him medicine when he's sick, didn't we want her to get better? I'm at a loss for words to explain that there are some types of sick that medicine can't fix. I tried once and he spent some time being afraid that he would get sick and the doctors wouldn't be able to help. I don't want my child to live in fear like that.
Children that young should live in a world where everything is good and boo boos are fixed by mommy's kiss. But he's smart and there was no way I was getting out of explaining the baby sister that came and went so quickly.
Life is hard, but it shouldn't be when you're four years old. Alex shouldn't worry about things like getting to sick to get better anymore. He should think about staying up late and taking his bike to the park. He should want to know which toys he can take outside to play. He should try to postpone nap time as long as possible. He shouldn't be talking about babies dying and hospitals. He's such a smart child and he asks such simple, complicated questions. Questions that don't always have an answer that I can put into words a child can understand, questions that I don't always want to answer.

A poem By Me

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago, but it seems fitting.

Life Within Life
Innocence Surrendered,
Purity lost,
pain mingled with pleasure,
too high a cost.

Life within life
making a decision,
deciding for another,
embarking on mission.

Choices to make,
held in a hand
nervous and unsteady,
uncharted land.

Life in suspense
created by chance,
nothing so simple,
this deadly dance.

Babies, Everywhere

Lately it seems everyone has a new baby. My sister and brother both have newborn daughters. Maybe it's just me, but it seems everywhere I look I see new babies and pregnant women. It has gotten bad enough that my son has declared I should "start making another baby" My aunt was nice enough to point out in front of a large group of people, that I can't have children. People can be very insensitive.
I've been told to "get over it" and that was rude, but I would have to say that the worst thing I've ever been told was "well she was just a baby, it wasn't like you'd had her for long." Why does it matter? Should I have loved her less because she only lived a short time? How should a parent measure their love? Does my father love me more than my younger siblings simply because he's had me longer? I highly doubt that. I loved my daughter just as much when she was a newborn as I would have loved her had she lived years.

I'm not trying to take away from your joy at having a new baby and I know that all the pregnant women and new mothers in the world aren't gloating about their ability to produce, but sometimes it feels that way.

Causes

My daughter died of hydrocephalus. I thought I should let you all know what that is.

Hydrocephalus is due to a problem with the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF), the liquid that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. The fluid brings nutrients to the brain, takes away waste from the brain, and acts as a cushion.

CSF normally moves through areas of the brain called ventricles, then around the outside of the brain and the spinal cord. It is then reabsorbed into the bloodstream.. Build up of CSF can occur in the brain if it's flow or absorption is blocked, or if too much CSF is produced.

This build up of fluid puts pressure on the brain, pushing the brain up against the skull and damaging or destroying brain tissues

Untreated hydrocephalus has a 50-60% death rate, with the survivors having varying degrees of intellectual, physical, and neurological disabilities.

The outlook for treated hydrocephalus depends on the cause. Hydrocephalus that is caused by disorders not associated with infection has the best outlook. Persons with hydrocephalus caused by tumors usually do very poorly.

Most children with hydrocephalus that survive for 1 year will have a fairly normal life span. Approximately a third will have normal intellectual function, but neurological difficulties may persist.

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Hydrocephalus

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A poem

I found this poem... it says what I feel


I’m going to tell you something
I hope you’ll never have to know.
I’ll tell you how a heart can break
And tears can constant flow.

I lost my baby girl you see,
An angel in my eyes
God chose to take her hand one day
And led her to the skies.

But please do not forget my child
She was a person too
And forever she will live
Inside of me and you.

So, please don’t ever tell me
That time will heal my pain
Because not even time
Can bring her back again.

Just tell me she is happy
In that land way up above
She’s snuggled in an angels wings
All wrapped in Mommy’s love.

Author Unknown

Rainy Days

Rainy days are the worst, especially when I’m all alone. I’m not sure if I’m getting worse or if I’m just having a bad day. I miss my Anna. It hurts so bad. And no one ever talks about her, it’s as if she never existed.
Pretending she never lived wont make me feel better, it will make be feel like you didn’t love her.
She lived such a short time...41 hours, but I loved her with all my heart. I wanted that baby, no matter what ya’ll think.
So until You’ve held your baby as she breathes her last breath, until you’ve watched her slowly die, knowing you couldn’t do anything about it. Until you’ve wanted to die yourself so you wont be alone anymore… Please don’t tell me that it will get easier…
I will never have another child… Yes I have Alex, Yes he’s beautiful, smart, perfect...yes I love him.... Why does having him mean I can’t want what I’ve lost… Having another child wouldn’t replace Anna, I almost died having her, one of you was there, you know it.
No I can’t get over it… I don’t even want to. I know she was sick… but can’t someone, anyone, tell me she was beautiful and they miss her too?

I don’t want to hear; Time heals everything, God never gives you more than you can handle, there’s a reason for everything.... or anything like that. I don’t care, you don’t know what I’m feeling, and I hope you never do.

Today was a Good day

I almost feel guilty that I didn't cry for my Anna today. To be honest, I barely thought of her. Now don't get me wrong, she's always in the back of my mind, but today was a good day. I had enough to distract me. A friend came to visit me. We chatted about old times. He doesn't ask about my daughter, he knows better. It's been a long time since I needed to cry on his shoulder.
Having friends around is good for me. They are my support. They remind me that there is life after loss.

My Anna

On August 23, 2008 my daughter Anna was born and then not even two days later died, actually on a calender it's only one day, but in my mind she lived forty-one hours and each of those precious hours counts.
Anna wasn't born premature, the doctors didn't do anything wrong, and according to the doctors, neither did I. It doesn't really help being told that, I still always wonder if I could have done something different, something to change everything that happened.
When I was seven months pregnant I went for a routine ultrasound, my doctor thought my stomach was a little too large and she wanted to be sure my due date was on track. I could see the baby on the screen: head, hands, feet. I'm not a doctor, but everything looked good to me which is why I was surprised when the tech turned the screen off and left the room abruptly. When she came back in she took another look at the screen and then had me sit up. She said that something was wrong with the picture and the baby's head didn't look right, she mumbled something about features being missing. I mentally recounted in my head the image I had seen....eyes...check, mouth....check, nose...check....ears....had I seen ears? I couldn't remember....well that wouldn't be a big deal...she could wear a hat.
The tech printed me images of everything but the baby's head, so I couldn't be sure about my ears theory. She told me I needed to go to Strong Hospital for a special ultrasound. I didn't wanna go to Strong, my baby was gonna be born at Parkridge hospital, as far as I knew only really sick babies were born at Strong. I didn't know what was wrong but I was starting to think it wasn't her ears.
I got to The Strong Special Care Clinic. They got me right in. A Doctor with a fancy foreign name came in and did another ultrasound, I couldn't see the screen this time. She told me She was sending the images to her office computer so she could see them on a bigger screen. She told me to get dressed and wait.
My two year-old, Alex was with me. He was being so good, but he was hungry and had to pee. he ended up peeing his pant, he started crying, which made me start crying. I cleaned him up and the doctor came back in. She sat down next to me and told me the baby had something called fetal hydrocephalus. Basically the fluid that flows between her spinal cord and her brain was becoming stuck in her head, it could flow in, but not out. Already so much had backed up that her head had grown to the size of a baby one week after birth, and I was barely seven months pregnant. This was why my stomach was so large.
The doctor admitted that if it wasn't against the law to do a late term abortion she would recommend it. She said this was the worst case of this disease she had ever seen. It would most likely be fatal.
Now let me tell you this disease is actually pretty common, but normally not so severe as to be fatal or to even cause too much damage to the baby. My baby had it so badly that not only was her head overgrown she had almost no brain left, the fluid had destroyed it.
So what did I do? I went on with life. I told my aunt Roseanne and she in turn told my father. Being the secretive person I am no one else even knew I was pregnant. I went to work and I came home. I had to get a new doctor...a whole team of doctors who specialize in high risk pregnancies. I used to call the receptionist, Meagan, whenever I got bored, I always felt better, even if I was just "confirming an appointment".
I was almost thirty-seven weeks along and had an appointment for another check up and ultra-sound. I wasn't feeling well. I was dizzy, I couldn't concentrate on anything, if I laid flat on my back I got extra dizzy like there was no blood getting to my brain. My aunt drove me to my appointment. She told the doctor about the problems I was having...I hate to be a bother so I hadn't mentioned them. He sent me to the hospital.
At the hospital they took blood...and made me wait. The results came back as preeclampsya, which is fatal if left untreated, so it was time for me to have a baby, but first I had to wait, They needed to do two c-sections before mine...one for twins. So it was about eleven at night when the finally prepped me for surgery. They took me into the room and told my aunt they would come for her in twenty minutes as soon as I has my anesthesia so she could be with me during the surgery..no one was sure if the baby would make it out alive.
They tried to get the needles in my back but I couldn't bend over properly because for some odd reason bending over caused my leg to hurt so badly I couldn't stand it. they finally got it in after about an hour but when they laid me down my head got fuzzy and I thought I was going to die...they said it was all in my head...of course it was in my head that's what I was telling them laying down made my head lose all the blood. they let me sit up and put something on me that recorded my blood pressure instantly, then they laid me down again, my blood pressure dropped to 53 over 30, which is apparently really low. Some nurse pulled out the shock paddles, but the other nurse injected me with something to bring my pressure back up....she would have to do this an almost unheard of twelve times before I stabilized....that'll teach them to say it's all in my head. They took me out of the operating room and into the ICU. The kept the shock paddles close by just in case. They then started to worry that all the stuff to keep my heart going was going to burn up my little veins, they decided to put a direct line into my neck...this involved putting a blanket over my head....I dealt with this for about half an hour until my crazy head was certain I was going to suffocate and I pushed the blanket off...the red headed doctor decided the direct line wasn't going to happen. Then they brought in someone to do a cardiogram to make sure my heart was ok. All this time I remember my aunt being on the phone with my father telling him not to come to the hospital, he would only be in the way.
They decided to do my c-section by putting me all the way to sleep. The anesthesiologist with the foreign accent assured me I would be fine. I didn't believe her, after all she was the one who thought I was imagining the funny feeling in my head. I was certain I wouldn't ever wake up again, I wanted to tell my son goodbye, but I couldn't, so I didn't say anything.
I did wake up. And it hurt. At that point in time I wanted to die...they had just cut my stomach open, cut into my ab muscles and uterus and they wouldn't give me pain meds until they were certain i was ok.....I cried for my mommy and then I begged for someone to just kill me....I would rather be dead then feel that pain...and no one would tell me where my baby was.
They finally gave me liquid morphine and released me from the ICU to my room I found out my baby was in the NICU and appeared to be doing ok. But something was wrong with me.....I couldn't see, not clearly at least. I could make out shapes and colors, but that was it...they said it would pass...it did...mostly....my eyesight isn't as good as it was before.
My dad came to see me. He brought cheesecake and My sister Ashley. They snuck away to see my baby. A nurse told me that she heard him tell Anna that her Grandma would take care of her.....my mother is dead. I spent the whole day in my room...that was Saturday. On Sunday I got another nurse an older woman named Pat....she made me get out of bed and go see the baby...she said it would be good for me...I was scared....I refused to hold her. I didn't want to hurt my little Anna by mistake...her life was already bad enough as it was. Later that day my friend Maryanne came to see me...we went to see Anna again, this time I held her.
Later that night a nurse called my family and then asked me to come down to the NICU, Anna wasn't doing so good anymore. They knew she wouldn't live long and had called for my family to come be with me. My sister Ashley made it just in time.
I held my Anna as she died on Sunday August 24, 2008, a little after 7:40 at night, forty-one hours after she was born. I told her that I loved her and would miss her, but it was ok if she had to go. I told her I didn't want her to hurt anymore, I told her I was sorry.
She died in my arms and I felt it in my heart.
A nurse came and took her from me. I saw my sister kiss her before they took her out of the room.
They brought me her blanket that night and I fell asleep with it...crying. I miss my Anna, I may have only held her for a short time, but I carried her for nine months.

My Child Died

It doesn't make me special. I don't want your sympathy or your pity. What I do want it your understanding. I want people to understand that sometimes I don't know what the right answer is when you ask me how many children I have. I want you to understand that sometimes when I see babies I cry. Sometimes when I think of babies I cry. Sometimes I just cry and I'm not sure why.
I don't need you to feel bad for me, but I do need you to understand that I feel bad for me. It doesn't need to be ok with you, but unless you've been where I've been, don't judge me.