I can't help you, and I'm sorry

I can't help you, and I'm sorry... Your baby was stillborn this weekend. I don't really know you, but your baby would have been my niece. I'm supposed to talk to you, to help you through this. I should be able to, after all I've lost a child. I've survived. Shouldn't I have some words of wisdom to get you through this? I can't help you, I'm sorry. Yes, I survived, but sometimes surviving is all I am capable of doing. How can I help you through this when I'm not through this yet?

Our roads are different, neither is better or worse than the other. I knew my baby would die months before she was ever born, you expected to bring home a baby. I imagine you planned for that; that you have a crib set up, clothes in a dresser, toys, bottles, and all the little things a baby might need. Did you have a baby shower? Did your friends bring you gifts? I imagine they did, or planned to. Now it is on you or someone who loves you to deal with all that. Will you get rid of everything? Or will you save it in anticipation of another baby down the road? I will never have another baby, but in my bottom drawer, baby girl clothes and blankets sit waiting for me to figure out what to do... It's been over six years, I still haven't figured out what to do.

You never held your baby while she cried, or looked into her eyes, you didn't hold her as she breathed her last breath. Your baby was gone before she was really even here.... Which is better? I don't think there's an answer to that.

You will hear so many things in the coming days, months, years.... "Time heals all wounds." It doesn't, Someday you will feel okay, but then a song will come on the radio, or you'll see a woman with a newborn or something, anything, and you will feel like it all just happened and the wound is fresh and open once again.   "God never gives you more than you can handle" The only people who say this are people who have never dealt with anything bad, they are idiots, ignore them. "You can have more children" No one ever actually said this to me, who knew me, I can't have more children, but they would say "Well at least you have your son." Yes because that totally makes up for losing my baby.

I can't help you, I'm sorry. I can't help you because I can't help myself. Grief is journey you must take alone. Other people will walk the path with you for a while, but in time they will start to wonder why you are still on the path, why you aren't done yet, better yet. No one will understand. They will feel bad for you, and you will feel bad for you.

The only thing I can say is that life moves forward. Someday, sooner than you expect, you will get to the end of the day and realize that you haven't cried, that you haven't even thought of her. And you will be mad at yourself, you will feel like you betrayed her. Don't be mad, don't feel like that, because life is for the living and no matter what it keeps moving and all we can do is keep surviving.